“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Is this true? Do I honestly believe I deserve this? I must shouldn’t. Even through all the craziness, I find myself wanting you. I actually text you to say I wanted to do bad things to you, not once but TWICE. (Yes, this is that damn “can’t take it back now button”) Then you want a freaking explanation. Oh. My….I gave it to you. I asked you to explain the rules expectations. I get no answer “that’s what you have toys for”, which of course says. it. all. Due to a hectic schedule, I was off work early today. I am home long enough to change my clothes and you….you fucking call me to ask “do you have your toys out yet?” I just simply ask if you want me too….What I really want to say is they are OUR toys, because you find pleasure in them too. YOU bought them, for fuck’s sake!
Then I read this quote. Is this why it seems easier this time? Have I realized I DON’T deserve the love, or lack thereof, that you give me? Is that why I am so accepting? Am I really accepting, or am I going through the stages of grief? Losing a 10 year long relationship (if that is what we are going to call it) is like a death. A death of a unity, a team, a love, a family, a home….
And yet, tonight, I find myself bringing you dinner because I want to do bad things to you you asked, making you coffee because I know if I want to have sex, you are going to need that caffeine to wake you up a bit you were sleeping when I got home with your dinner. I wish I had stopped for that bottle of wine on the way home. It would make it much easier to forget….What in the fuck am I about to do?
No. I am not stupid.
I am just a girl in need, I am not strong enough to stay away…..
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