Moving On….For Today

Just to keep myself motivated….

Day 2 on the treadmill.

Up early just to get it in before work!

Way to go me!

Are We Just Pretending?

I asked you simply. I conjured in my head ideas of how much easier it would be to know the answer to this loaded simple question.

I thought it would save us a lot of trouble in the future. I could TRY to stop myself from kissing you in the morning. If only I had an answer to this question, I could save multiple conversations with myself, asking why this happened or why you said that.

You said you didn’t know, you felt I have already made my decision (maybe I have). I took a deep breath.

You said I have already made plans on how I will move. Earlier today I said I wouldn’t need a Uhaul, I would just “rally the troops.”

I referred to our situation as “the rabbit hole.” You said we can’t be falling down the rabbit hole, there is rabbits at the bottom. *insert eye roll.*

I asked if we are currently free falling in limbo. You said “I don’t know. The kids,my family…..I don’t know if I want to lose what I got.” (and made sure to reassure me “family” includes me).

You said you have never really been single. Yes, you have. I gave you an entire year to find yourself. I’m not Sorry it didn’t work out in your favor.

I asked if you would talk to someone. You asked who. I said I didn’t know, anyone who wasn’t into cheating on their lady, and holds family in high regard.

You said fucking isn’t helping. I told you sorry about your luck. You said you didn’t mind. This tells me it clouds your mind.

I asked if you would tell me if you were sleeping with someone else. You said you would tell me, but thought I was crazy for thinking you could deal with me and someone else. Now I feel like I need to ask you if you would tell me if you were talking to another woman…..

I think I am in the front seat of a car, trapped in a straight jacket, on my way to crazy. And guess WHO is DRIVING…..

I don’t want to play these games. I find myself caught in them, like a spiderweb between 2 trees. No matter how hard I smack it away, it sticks, I am trapped.

“I don’t want to lose what I got”

Are we just pretending?

Can we just stop now? Either way it goes, can we stop? I need to you to tell me to leave, so I can find the strength to do it!

Not Gon’ Cry

(I found this in my drafts, from Saturday. Considering my level of inebriation that night, I did well. Oh the SEX was AMAZING fuckery)

I am D.R.U.N.K. Not my best side. I am ready to fight you, say shitty things to you, be a total fucking bitch. But instead I am going to fuck the hell out of you. No boundaries, not that we have any of those…….I don’t really even know why I am blogging. Probably because it is new, no one judges me, and if they do, fuck ’em. I am not gonna cry. I am not gonna have any emotion unless you consider pleasure emotion. I am just going through the motions. I can’t tell if you are fucking me or fucking WITH me. I wish I had the strength to just fuck with you, lead you on, get what I need and move the fuck on….drunks never lie, do they?

only to themselves……..

in the mean time, i am going to fuck you like its the last time….

but we both know it won’t be…..

“Some people be…

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
― Ann Landers

I am weak. I know it.

A lot, yet nothing, has happened in the past week. We have gone nowhere yet everywhere. I have succumbed to your sex ways. I find myself struggling to not fuck you really understand what is going on. I laid in bed last night, thinking of ways I could lay a little closer. I am so confused by my own thoughts, my own heart, my own love…that I am unable to do anything but hang on and I can’t even FATHOM what your thoughts are, what your heart says, or your holding onto. I still have the idea that I MUST leave you. I am just losing confidence that I can.

How can I continue, living here, being in the same bed, pretending like nothing is amiss? Is this what I asked for when I said I was leaving but not now? Why does my ♥ have to be so weak? I do find a little solace in knowing you are weak, too. You are unable, or unwilling, to tell me to leave. You believe if you do, you will be your father. I hate to tell you, and would never say it aloud, that YOU ARE YOUR FATHER. He died 20 years ago. In attendance at his funeral was his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress. Doesn’t that sound like you? You won’t leave or make me go, because if I go, you think you are breaking the cycle. Then listening to you say your preferred custody arrangement…..I just wanted to scream “YOU FUCKING IDIOT”

Damn. I got way off track there……Back to the quote.

I have always believed I am strong because I stay. I realize after this week, how weak I really am. I feel myself struggling to be strong, but I think I am in a losing battle.

(Now I am off to run. Stress relief? Nah, that’s just an added bonus. I will leave you wanting more….see earlier post for reference)

Pink-Try

Perfect representation of us…..

Courage in a Bottle

I have traded in my Captain’s for Lady Blithe. You Men have let me down more then I could have ever imagined this week and I didn’t want my favorite man in a bottle to let me down too. Sometimes, only a Lady can really understand the courage needed…….

I want to fall into your arms down. I want to forget all my problems.

(Now for a funny side note. I could stand to lose some major pounds. I am a mom, and I hate exercise.I realized I have lost 3 pounds due to all the stress and not eating much this week. I told myself today it would be awfully funny to lose weight before I leave, be thin, have more confidence, be healthy enough to deal with the stress in a good way. I said “I am going to be skinny when I leave you!” You looked confused. I explained “Less of me to watch walk away!” I know it is a terrible joke, but anything I can find motivation for either goal is good enough for me. And you have to admit, it WAS funny, I wish I had a picture of the look on his face……)

Pink. Just Give Me a Reason

I am backsliding.

Not broken, just bent.

I believe this in my mind.

Not in my heart.

My heart knows the truth.

I generally listen to my heart.

Unless it says something I don’t want to hear.

Then I tell it to shut the fuck up.

I got a “reason” last night.

It wasn’t the sex, because that was slightly awkward.

It was his arm.

Lying there.

Open.

Like it was waiting for me, beckoning me.

I fought the urge to curl up next to him.

Instead, I allowed my hand to linger on his arm.

Closing the distance just a little.

Falling asleep.

Ignoring the battle between my heart and my mind.

“we accept the …

“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Is this true? Do I honestly believe I deserve this? I must shouldn’t. Even through all the craziness, I find myself wanting you. I actually text you to say I wanted to do bad things to you, not once but TWICE. (Yes, this is that damn “can’t take it back now button”) Then you want a freaking explanation. Oh. My….I gave it to you. I asked you to explain the rules expectations. I get no answer “that’s what you have toys for”, which of course says. it. all. Due to a hectic schedule, I was off work early today. I am home long enough to change my clothes and you….you fucking call me to ask “do you have your toys out yet?” I just simply ask if you want me too….What I really want to say is they are OUR toys, because you find pleasure in them too. YOU bought them, for fuck’s sake!

Then I read this quote. Is this why it seems easier this time? Have I realized I DON’T deserve the love, or lack thereof, that you give me? Is that why I am so accepting? Am I really accepting, or am I going through the stages of grief? Losing a 10 year long relationship (if that is what we are going to call it) is like a death. A death of a unity, a team, a love, a family, a home….

And yet, tonight, I find myself bringing you dinner because I want to do bad things to you you asked, making you coffee because I know if I want to have sex, you are going to need that caffeine to wake you up a bit you were sleeping when I got home with your dinner. I wish I had stopped for that bottle of wine on the way home. It would make it much easier to forget….What in the fuck am I about to do?

No. I am not stupid.

I am just a girl in need, I am not strong enough to stay away…..

Stay

Around and around and around we go. I have never been addicted to anything in my life. I am addicted to him. I am addicted to his touch, his kiss, my endless love for him, our family. I am addicted. I want to leave, but I want him to stay. I want to be able to walk away this time, be the one knowing I am going to reach the top. I realize how selfish that sounds. We have been through this before. I have actually left, with all my things, for an extended period of time. I came back, because I stayed. I am the one who worked on me so I could be better in our relationship. I want him to understand the hurt I have been through. I am sure he has no idea what it means to hurt when it comes to us. I feel like he has distanced himself from all feeling, forced himself into numbness. Makes him less vulnerable, more in control, yet not. I can’t tear down those walls, but he can’t either.

Is it even worth it? To stay?

Dead but Breathing Lesley Roy

So much has happened in the past 2 days. I told the boyfriend (or whatever he is at this point) it was time to talk. I was sick from being unable to eat, sleep, think…I went to work. I was mindless, accomplished nothing, and thought about nothing but what may happen. At lunch, I talked to a good, wise, strong friend. She gave me the pep talk I needed. I found strength in it, confidence. I brought that home with me, carried it in my pocket, cleaned the house, did laundry, took care of my children. I waited for a while to catch my breath, make sure the confidence was still in my pocket. (It was. DAMN!) I walked out to the garage with a heavy heart, lead feet, and a full pack of cigarettes (they sure went fast). I asked if he was ready. He said he was busy (sweeping the dust in the garage). I came back in. More deep breaths. I went back out after about 10 minutes. I told him this had to happen. We talked for 3 hours. I won’t give you a play by play, here are a few talking points…..

We shouldn’t have ever even been together from the beginning, but I wouldn’t change any of it, especially you being the children’s mother. (Uhm…..okkaaayyy?)
All I can see is the past.
It’s your smart ass comments.
I enjoyed watching the children practice ball tonight.
I like coming home to my family.
I will miss the kids.
I want to be alone, but then I don’t.
I think it is just going to blow up in our face.

I was respectful, quiet, and I explained I am leaving, (here’s the catch) due to things we have already planned and paid for, I will not be leaving until next spring. Yes, I subjected myself to another year in this hole (unless of course I win the lottery or something). I told him it would be plan b. Plan a is to fix the problem. I don’t believe it is fixable. I hope it is, and for some reason, I want it to be. He told me I have more anger, resentment, and unhappiness then I let on. He is right. I am angry that I allow myself to be treated so badly. I resent that I am more loyal to him then he will ever be to me. And I am unhappy with the choice I make to stay to fight for the man I love.
More then anything I need him to say “leave” because I would hang on to this with my last dying breath until I know, for sure, it’s over.